


If Words Could Explain How I Feel

by BuckyBarnesDefenseSquad (orphan_account)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Serum Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-02
Updated: 2015-09-03
Packaged: 2018-04-18 18:14:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4715774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/BuckyBarnesDefenseSquad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky Barnes is back into Steve Rogers' life. He only talks to Steve, though, meaning Steve is by his side 24/7. This isn't a problem though, Steve just wishes he could find the ability to tell Bucky how he really feels.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Steve"

A voice cut through the air. It was a voice he'd heard many times in his life, and one he'd grown accustomed to hearing daily, but every time Bucky Barnes spoke it felt like the first time in 70 years. It was hard for Bucky, to adjust to civilian life. It had taken him months to be able to go about his day without collapsing into a small curl, whimpering in fear. Every time it happened, Steve was there, stroking his back, whispering It's going to be okay, Buck, it's alright.

"Yeah, Bucky?" Steve murmured.

"My hair, um... do you remember how it used to be?" he softly asked.

"Mhmm, do you want me to cut it?" Steve replied. Bucky flinched at the word cut.

"I mean, do you want me to do it how it was earlier?” Steve quickly added.

Bucky nodded.

“Alright, C’mon” Steve stood up from the couch they were sitting on, and held out his hand. Bucky gripped Steve’s wrist and followed him to the bathroom. On his way, Steve grabbed the desk chair with his free hand and pulled it along .

When they reached the bathroom Steve instructed Bucky to remove his shirt and sit down. Steve bit his lip as Bucky revealed his bare chest. Steve wanted to kiss every scar on his body, wanted to run his fingers across his abs, wanted to- No. He couldn’t. It wouldn’t be fair to Bucky. Did Bucky even want that? Every time Bucky used to come home with a girl underneath his arm, the two of them giggling and kissing, Steve pictured himself in the warm embrace of his friend. He pictured the two of them, as close as could be with the only barrier between their skin beads of sweat, trickling down their bodies as they kissed one another. But he couldn’t do that. A fella and another fella, together? But things had changed since the 40’s.

Steve gently grasped small clumps of Bucky’s hair, feeling the softness.

“Buck, m’gonna wash your hair.” Bucky slowly nodded.

Steve whirled the chair around, so that his friend was facing him, head in front of the sink. Steve walked over and gently tilted Bucky’s head back. As soon as his neck pressed against the cool porcelain, he shot up, nearly hitting his head against the faucet.

“NO! PLEASE DON’T! I NEED TO KNOW! PLEASE! NO!” Bucky was reliving the horror before every wipe, when the cold metal would encase his skull, pulling his head back and filling it with storm clouds.

“Shhhh, Buck, Bucky can you hear me?” Steve remained calm, gently assuring Bucky. He wanted to press Bucky’s head against his chest. Steve wanted to let his heartbeat calm Bucky, let him slow his breaths in tandem with Steve’s. He wanted to press his lips softly against his neck and feel Bucky’s shoulders rise and fall. But he did

When his cries melted to a soft whimper, Steve prompted Bucky if he wanted to try again. Bucky nodded. This time, he cupped Bucky’s neck in one of his hands and turned the faucet on with the other, not letting go of his friend.

As the warm water piled over Bucky’s hair, relaxing his stiff muscles, Steve eased out his fingers. Bucky’s eyes fluttered closed in relaxation. Steve reached into the shower, pulling aside the curtain, and fumbled around until he found two bottles of shampoo and conditioner.

He rubbed the shampoo on his hands and slowly massaged Bucky’s scalp, working the foam throughout his hair. Bucky sighed, and his chest relaxed into deep swells and falls. Steve smiled. He washed out the shampoo and repeated the massage with the conditioner. When he shut off the faucet and went to grab a towel from the rack, Bucky sat up. Steve lifted up the back of Bucky’s hair and wrapped a towel around it, drying up his neck and hair.

When he was done, he spun Bucky’s chair back around again and reached into the cabinet below the sink. He pulled out a comb, and began slowly undoing the tangles in Bucky’s hair. It was completely knotted. Every time the comb snagged on his hair, Bucky went rigid again. Steve eventually abandoned the comb and just worked through the knots with his fingers, gently pulling away until his hair was smooth and soft.

With a pair of scissors, and some gentle coaxing, Steve was able to cut and blow dry his hair back to his old, fluffy look. He carefully pulled out a razor, and after assuring Bucky it wasn’t going to hurt, gently cleaned up all of the stubble remaining. Steve smiled, and then Bucky did something he most certainly hadn’t done in 70 years. He smiled.

Steve could feel giddiness surging through his body, weakening his knees, tickling his stomach. He wanted to see Bucky smile like that for the rest of his life.

Running his hands through Bucky’s hair, collecting all the remnant snippings, Steve wondered what it would feel like if he was just able to turn around Bucky’s hair and pull him into a tender kiss, while stilling running his hands through his hair.

“Thanks, Stevie”

Stevie. He hadn’t called Steve that since they were young.

Bucky was really coming back, one piece at a time.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Author's Note:

Please let me know what you thought about it!

Reference for Steve!   
  


Reference for Bucky post haircut!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a few weeks since the haircut, and Bucky is returning to his old self.  
> I might post another chapter today since this one was a little short

_How to explain to your ex brainwashed best friend that same sex relationships are accepted in today’s society and you’re in love with him_

_How  to get your best friend to make out with you_

_How to go on a date with someone and slowly explain that you’re on a date with them_

Steve stared at the monitor.

“May I suggest a website to buy some roses?” A voice gently pressed, scaring Steve out of his seat.

“Jesus JARVIS, you scared me!”he exclaimed.

“Sorry, sir”

“Actually, I’m good, I don’t need flowers, it was just speculation” Steve mumbled.

The elevator chimed, and Natasha and Bucky stepped out, talking animatedly in Russian, Clint tagging behind them.

“Эй Стив, что ты делаешь на земле ?” Bucky asked, then quickly corrected,”I mean, why are you on the floor?”

Over the past few weeks, Bucky had been able to maintain light conversation, first with Steve, branching from more than just feeble requests to reminisces of his younger days. Slowly he began speaking with Natasha, after she calmed him down after a spell, softly whispering to him,”просто там, Баки , ты в безопасности с нами, вы хорошо”

He found trust in Natasha, and slowly, slowly, Clint. After Steve observed his nature change, to a warmer state, he introduced him to Sam. Steve was proud, the way Bucky found himself. He was hoping that Bucky could also find a way to love him, as more than just a friend.

“It’s late, I’m going to bed” Bucky yawned,”C’mon Stevie”

After the haircut, Bucky began remembering more of his past with Steve, until finally, everything came back to him, leaving him sobbing and clutching Steve. He’d also taken to calling Steve by his old nickname.

Natasha waved good bye and slung her arm around Clint, turning them toward the elevator.

Steve flicked on the light, illuminating the bedroom. Two beds sat side by side, one with a splintered and cracked headboard. Bucky still had nightmares, though not as extreme as they were nearly a year earlier, but Bruce predicted that over the course of maybe three months longer, they would lull down.

Peeling off his shirt and pants, Bucky clambered into his bed, and stared expectantly at Steve, who was still standing in the doorway. Absentmindedly Steve followed suit, a million thoughts tracing his neurons.

“Y’know Buck”, Steve began, turning over to face his friend’s side of the room,”things have um changed a lot since the forties. Black people can vote, well i mean you know that already, I mean president Ellis is black , and um women are getting jobs, well I mean that is also kinda obvious, and um gay people can even get married in all the states!”

Bucky chuckled,”Well course I know  that, Sam told me that he and Riley were engaged, I put the pieces together myself. Is this conversation going anywhere, Stevie?”

Steve wanted to explain how he felt. Bucky might reciprocate. But he couldn’t. There was always the nagging thought in the back of his head that if Bucky didn’t feel the same way, the he would lose trust in Steve, and the only solid relationship he had would become unanchored, leaving him drifting through his pain without anything to hold onto. He couldn’t do that to Bucky. No matter how small the possibility was it was still a possibility.

“S’Nothing, Buck. Good night” He reached for the switch.

“Steve” Bucky demanded “ What do you want to tell me?” Bucky looked at him questioningly for a minute. Seeing he wasn’t getting an answer from Steve he mumbled a goodnight and pulled the covers around him.

Steve lay awake that night trying to fit words around what he wanted to say. Eventually the effort proved fruitless, and he got up to make himself a snack. Silently, to not wake Bucky, he pressed his lips to Buckys forehead.

 

Steve could have sworn that out of the corner of his eye he saw Bucky smile.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve confesses something to Bucky in this chapter. Small mention of blood.

“So…” Nat said,”When do you plan on asking him out?”

Steve spluttered and gasped,”Wha-What the hell do you mean?”

“Your browsing history tells quite a tale. Keywords, Steve, use keywords” Nat admonished

“First of all, it’s extremely rude to invade others’ privacy-”  
“It’s not invading privacy if your cache is on the cloud” the redhead corrected

“Second of all, I’m not even sure if I’m even going to ask him out”

“He likes you too” she replied.

“How do you know that?” Steve questioned.

“I can see it in his eyes”

And this time he actually thought he might be getting somewhere. Then again, Natasha had a point. What if Bucky did reciprocate his feelings? What would that mean?

As the elevator climbed up to his floor, Steve heard muffled thumping and yelling. Shit! Was someone on the floor? Was Bucky safe?

The second the door burst open with a ding, Steve sprinted out, grabbing his shield. If Bucky was in danger, he had to help him, he had to save Bucky. The yelling soften into a low whimper. He flung the door off of its hinges, revealing a horrifying spectacle. Bucky had destroyed the kitchen. The granite countertop was crushed and cracked, the glass refrigerator door shattered. chairs were flung all over the floor, dishes lay smashed on the ground. He wondered why JARVIS hadn’t sent out a security alert until he saw the smashed intercom and camera. At the center of the scene lay Bucky, curled into a ball, sobbing. His metal arm was missing.

“Bucky!” Steve shouted. The super soldier looked up.

“What happened?”

Tears streamed from his friend’s grey blue eyes “I-I don’t deserve this. Any of this. I don’t deserve you. I should have died on that train!”

“NO! Don’t you dare say that Bucky.” Out of the corner of his eye, Steve spotted the torn metal arm lying in a stain of blood behind Bucky. Tears began welling up in Steve’s eyes.

“Jesus Buck, what did you do?”

“I’m a monster! Steve can’t you see that?” Bucky growled.

Steve was crying now. “Bucky, you-you’re not-”

“Don’t call me that!”Bucky screamed,”I don’t. I don’t deserve a name.”

“Yes. Yes you do. You are James Buchanan Barnes. You deserve so much. I- I love you” Steve sobbed.

“I don’t deserve a guy like you, Steve. You deserve someone normal. I’m a monster!” Bucky began scratching himself. Steve saw that if he didn’t get Bucky help soon, his friend would bleed out. This is not how he wanted to confess his love.

“Bucky!” Steve shouted, planting his hands firmly on Bucky’s shoulders. Bucky squirmed, but went still, dropping his head down. Steve pressed his forehead against his.

“I love you so much more than you can imagine. More than the struggles we’ve been through. More than war. More than any problem ahead of us. I love you James.”

Bucky collapsed, shaking.

Although the man was heavy, the lack of a limb allowed Steve to carry him into the living room where the intercom was functioning. Gently, Steve laid Bucky down onto a couch. The fabric blossomed red with blood.

“JARVIS, I’m going to need immediate medical attention” Steve commanded, still by Bucky’s side.

 

 


End file.
